I can't believe I was here 4 years ago today

failure

and so on the day I decide to cut out the drama...I find myself in a haze of it.

one of which i could have stopped...the other I'm not sure, but on the up note, I have been trying to handle them with less drama and I'm mostly succeeding.

I've also realized that today if the first day of lent...

although i'm not religous at all, I've decided to give up my neurotic tendencies. This could be a challenge...but will benefit many i feel ;)

mondays and procrastinate should be synonyms

Every Monday morning I make a list. i write "to do' on the top. why do I do this? its not like I'm going "to do" even half of those things before the week is up.

Today at school lunch we got fortune cookies...I thought my fortune was a bit ironic...'stop procrastinating, start tomorrow.'

Also, I'm one step closer to figuring it out (when I say it, I mean my life). Now I just need to figure out why?

I keep having this urge to blog the most intimate and personal things. Things I don't really want people to know, yet I want to blog them, so maybe I do want people to know. Or maybe I just find blogging easier then real human interactions. But I'll put off analysing this one for now. Procrastinate once again.

The older I get the more useless I become as a friend. I used to be the friend that people would come to when they needed to chat, get advice (something that resembled advice), be cheered up, relax, or just not talk at all. But now, I feel like a failure in this department. Maybe I just have more problems...maybe I have less patience...maybe I'm just losing sympathy for certain things. Either way, I'm starting to feel quite inadequate, and thus somewhat unwanted.

One thing in my life is certain: I have had a revelation and am starting to think I should share...but not just yet.

compilation of unanswered questions

I wonder why...
- I'm such a freak? I didn't used to be?
- my closest friends always know what I'm thinking? It's a bit unnerving.
- I can't throw away that stupid shipping schedule, the one where your cup left a ring on the front page (neither of us even looked at it)?
- I can never finish a "to do" list before I need to make a fresh one?
- I'm so afraid to admit my true thoughts, even when I know you won't judge me?
- I still can't forget every single details of the day I was fired, even though it was the worst job I ever had?
- during a perfect moment, I always fuck it up by dreading the time when it will end?
- people I never talk to are so interested in anything abnormal in my life?
- dancing, sober, is so hard for me to do?
- my eyes always betray me?
- I feel the need to write these things down and post them online?

its contagious

There are those days when you can't help yourself. The ones that don't come along very often, but when they do you can't believe how fast they go by.

Those days when you could just sit in one place, doing absolutely nothing, and be okay with it.

I'm having one of those days today.

I stared at the wall for nearly 40 minutes and did not even realize any time had gone by. But now its afternoon and I have accomplished nothing, except this blog that is composed of nothing productive. Its like a disease, the longer I sit and do nothing the more I want to sit and do nothing. But this blog is ending that cycle...

but ouch, moving hurts...did I mention I went snowboarding yesterday?
I have a new addiction...an expensive one, and a painful one. But it was a lot of fun!