AM I AN IDIOT...the answer is YES

Should YOU go to Grad School?

(A wee little test)

Answer true or false to the following questions.

I am a compulsive neurotic.

I like my imagination crushed into dust.

I enjoy being a professor’s slave.

My idea of a good time is using jargon and citing authorities.

I feel a deep need to continue the process of avoiding life.

If you received 4 or more true responses than you are a perfect candidate for graduate school. Better start applying.

th sun may be out but i'm not

I know that my all readers must be worried that I have not posted in more than two months (all two of you). But don't worry I am alive. I'm just in the process of adjusting to graduate school.
Here are the three things I've learned about being a graduate student:
1. When calculating the amount of time you will need to do homework, ALWAYS multiply that number by 8 and add 45 minutes of last minute cramming time before the project/test is due.
2. Even though all the students are in the program and the competition should over, don't trust anyone. I guess when our instructors tell us to "work together" that translates to "fight to the death" for grad students.
3. Making time for a beer and friends is essential to ones sanity!

why does the dead grass in your yard seem so much greener?

I've picked a moving date. August 21st. Which makes me happy because I get an extra week longer then I had anticipated.

I was informed today that I must purchase a new computer for school. They want me to get a Macbook Pro. Its not required that I get the Macbook but its "highly recommended." I would LOVE LOVE LOVE a Macbook...only catch is: the cheapest one comes in at about $1,300 once all the requirements I need are included. Since I have yet to experience what having any type of excess of money, I will need to get as creative as possible when purchasing a computer or finding the money.

I did however find enough money to get a beer. Off I go to feed my habit ;)

"I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it."

So, I'm moving in a month.

I'm moving in a month.

I AM MOVING IN A MONTH!

If I keep saying it, maybe I'll start to believe it.

freckles

Morgan Freeman is a little bit sexy.

I'm happy today

Why does it feel weird to be so happy?

From the moment I woke up, I've felt happy. I'm not questioning why I'm so happy, I know the answer to that one. I'm just wondering why I find it so strange. Like it feels almost wrong to feel so good. Like I'm forgetting something I should be upset about.

O wait, I just remembered....

It happened yesterday when I was doing laundry.

Now, I've lived in the same apartment complex for 4 years now and I've always just left my empty clothes basket in the laundry room while my laundry is in progress (coin operated). So of course, I left my basket in there like always. But when I went to check on my clothes (which were in the wash machine) my basket was gone. And I'm logical enough to know that it didn't vanish into thin air. Which only leaves me with one conclusion: Someone from this building up and stole my laundry basket.

It may seem silly to you that I'm so upset but seriously who does that? Who steels a laundry basket. Plus, its the only one I have. I now have to resort to using a Rubbermaid plastic bin that I was lucky enough to find in the back of my closet holding the small amount of Christmas decor I possess.

Anyway, now I'm short a laundry basket, and it was a good one. One of those strong plastic ones with three handles so you could carry it on your hip with one hand. whoa...OK this might be a bit too dramatic for me.

On a very happy note, I think I found a summer volleyball bar team to be on! Finally!

its not so bad

I'm done moping...and I've picked myself up (with a little help) and making plans.

But for the next 4 days it all about living for the present!

I've even got Roller Derby on my agenda.

rejection

re⋅jec⋅tion

   /rɪˈdʒɛkʃən/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ri-jek-shuhn] Show IPA

–noun

1.	the act or process of rejecting.

2.	the state of being rejected.

3.	something that is rejected.

---

Origin:
1545–55; < class="ital-inline">rējectiōn- (s. of rējectiō) a throwing back, equiv. to rēject(us) (see reject ) + -iōn- -ion

Synonyms:
1, 2. refusal, spurning, dismissal, elimination.


Looks like I will be having to leave Duluth after all. I am a resource without demand. Mostly, I just don't get why I expected to be at least considered? I guess one rejection from UMD just wasn't enough for me. I had to come back for more. At least I can still get my degree somewhere. Life will go on.

and so...

I've got a feeling...

and it requires me to use "..." a lot.

Partly because I'm can't explain it, but mostly I'm not sure how I'm suppose to explain it.

All I do know is I'm getting frustrated that all the parts of my life can't quite line up...when one thing is good...the other is shit...I'm looking for regularity and that damn yogurt just isn't working! (btw, this is suppose to be a joke...I don't even eat yogart)

eh

I have lots of bills.

They are all in a stack on my desk.

I humor my happiness by ignoring there existence.

I can't believe I was here 4 years ago today

failure

and so on the day I decide to cut out the drama...I find myself in a haze of it.

one of which i could have stopped...the other I'm not sure, but on the up note, I have been trying to handle them with less drama and I'm mostly succeeding.

I've also realized that today if the first day of lent...

although i'm not religous at all, I've decided to give up my neurotic tendencies. This could be a challenge...but will benefit many i feel ;)

mondays and procrastinate should be synonyms

Every Monday morning I make a list. i write "to do' on the top. why do I do this? its not like I'm going "to do" even half of those things before the week is up.

Today at school lunch we got fortune cookies...I thought my fortune was a bit ironic...'stop procrastinating, start tomorrow.'

Also, I'm one step closer to figuring it out (when I say it, I mean my life). Now I just need to figure out why?

I keep having this urge to blog the most intimate and personal things. Things I don't really want people to know, yet I want to blog them, so maybe I do want people to know. Or maybe I just find blogging easier then real human interactions. But I'll put off analysing this one for now. Procrastinate once again.

The older I get the more useless I become as a friend. I used to be the friend that people would come to when they needed to chat, get advice (something that resembled advice), be cheered up, relax, or just not talk at all. But now, I feel like a failure in this department. Maybe I just have more problems...maybe I have less patience...maybe I'm just losing sympathy for certain things. Either way, I'm starting to feel quite inadequate, and thus somewhat unwanted.

One thing in my life is certain: I have had a revelation and am starting to think I should share...but not just yet.

compilation of unanswered questions

I wonder why...
- I'm such a freak? I didn't used to be?
- my closest friends always know what I'm thinking? It's a bit unnerving.
- I can't throw away that stupid shipping schedule, the one where your cup left a ring on the front page (neither of us even looked at it)?
- I can never finish a "to do" list before I need to make a fresh one?
- I'm so afraid to admit my true thoughts, even when I know you won't judge me?
- I still can't forget every single details of the day I was fired, even though it was the worst job I ever had?
- during a perfect moment, I always fuck it up by dreading the time when it will end?
- people I never talk to are so interested in anything abnormal in my life?
- dancing, sober, is so hard for me to do?
- my eyes always betray me?
- I feel the need to write these things down and post them online?

its contagious

There are those days when you can't help yourself. The ones that don't come along very often, but when they do you can't believe how fast they go by.

Those days when you could just sit in one place, doing absolutely nothing, and be okay with it.

I'm having one of those days today.

I stared at the wall for nearly 40 minutes and did not even realize any time had gone by. But now its afternoon and I have accomplished nothing, except this blog that is composed of nothing productive. Its like a disease, the longer I sit and do nothing the more I want to sit and do nothing. But this blog is ending that cycle...

but ouch, moving hurts...did I mention I went snowboarding yesterday?
I have a new addiction...an expensive one, and a painful one. But it was a lot of fun!

Must not give up....

I'm nearly there....just two more paragraphs to go until I've got all my grad apps done!

however, can't keep my eyes open any longer. sleep it is.

Saturday: snowboarding...

(what is wrong with me??)

Mental Note:

Drunk fifty year olds tend to tell drunk stories of their youth...when its your parents this makes for many awkward moments.

coffee and breakfast burritos

Did you know that you can get caribou coffee in bulk form? They put it in a box (sorta like boxed wine) and sell it fresh. This discovery may pose a problem for me and my fellow teachers. It was delicious and will be purchase much more often. On the same note as coffee, for national para week the SPED staff made breakfast for the paras. We made breakfast burritos. This has made me realize how great of a food burritos are. You can make them with eggs, meat, beans, cheese, rice...the list goes on. Its like a miracle food for the lazy!!

The best part of my week is the fact that I don't work this weekend, however, I'm heading to the rents house for my Dad's 50th birthday. I guess mom is preparing a big party, sounds like the whole town is coming. Should be an interesting time....at least there will be beer!

and so the two-toed tree toad is alone again

A tree toad loved a she-toad
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a two-toed tree toad
But a three-toed toad was she.
The two-toed tree toad tried to win
The three-toed she-toad's heart,
For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground
That the three-toed tree toad trod.
But the two-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower
With her three-toed power
The she-toad vetoed him.

(yeah the kids are doing tongue twisters at school)

why are we always only passing through

So I am sitting in front of my personal statement. I have been doing so for about three weeks now. It stares at me, my possible future. The future that I want, but the future that I'm not sure I have the power to grasp. I look back with glossy eyes, thinking of the past few months. Oh, how has my life changed, and yet not many would see it. I see it, but I don't talk about it. I can't talk about it. Who would believe it really?

The personal statement, a group of choppy yet articulate sentences, bunched together into what makes up the pathetic half twisted ideas I have for myself. And my "editors" tell me that my plan is so perfect. My future is so bright. All I have to do is walk the path, keep to that plan. But then, there is the other parts of my life...my dangerous desires. The people/things that shouldn't be held above my future, above reaching these goals. Am I so devoted that I can not move on with my life? Do I really want to move on with my life? They make me happy, if even for a few moments. And happiness seems so much harder to come by these days. Wine helps, the Beatles, working, Mamma Mia!, the moments....

We were leaving the bar. My arm was slung loosely over your shoulder. I rolled onto my tiptoes, tugged you closer, pressed my cheek against yours and closed my eyes. Breathed you in. It was a millisecond of perfection. A minute snippet of the everyday that I don't want to forget. Mostly I can't forget.

the wood is dead

I've nearly come to the conclusion that having a relationship is going to be forever out of reach. I hope I'm right and wrong at the same time. Whats the point anymore....

I've been watching Deadwood lately. Its completely addicting and I really wish it wasn't. The fact that I never get tired of hearing cocksucker sorta freaks me out and I increasing wish Calamity Jane could become my drinking buddy.

On a work note:

Can you plagiarize IEP Goals? Since I am so new at writing them, I've been "borrowing" ideas for goals and objectives from other SLPs. My boss seems to think my objectives are pretty good. I just want to make sure this isn't illegal or something. I'll have to get on that.

Also, grief management meeting for the other work tonight. That was a major bummer. I can only speak of death and dying for so long before my reaction becomes somewhat forced or woren out. Not sure why or if i should be admitting this. I still have not fully recovered.

BLACK CAB SESSIONS

Check it out

http://www.blackcabsessions.com/


I can't stop watching/listening.

A New Year...Not a New Me

So its another new year and our society is asking me to make some resolutions.

There are things the I'm sure I could improve upon.

I could make the usual popular resolutions: Eat better, exercise more. lose weight, give up smoking (if i smoked), drink less, start a new hobby...the list goes on...

but really, what should I change, it should be something important, something that will actually make me happier, more comfortable with myself.